“ALL RISE!!! Court is now in session. The honorable Bucket Hat King LJ tha Fiasco presiding. Please be seated and come to order”
The BHK does not necessarily reflect the ideas, thoughts or mission statement of CSZ.com. I mean he probably does but we are like Bennett and we aren’t in it. So stop telling on him to me.-Jeremy
Good morning folks. Before I begin I want to say if you are a sensitive reader who gets offended by EVERY SINGLE THING on the interwebs stop reading now. Matter of fact, you may want to stop reading my posts altogether. I have no time to coddle and pacify people who follow me and my CSZ crew on Twitter. A rivalry is just that. You don’t like your opponent, you make fun of their fan base, you take shots at their players (tastefully), and you move on. Apparently, a Twitter follower by the name of @RedsFanSince61 was rubbed wrong about comments made toward Patrick Towels that he, king of the internet, deemed hateful. Yes….THAT Patrick Towles, the same Patrick Towels that sets his alarm each morning to mention Louisville at some point of the day.
The same Patrick Towles who couldn’t beat Louisville so he transferred to Boston College to fail there as well. The same Patrick Towels who tweets #BeatLouisville for everything even if it has nothing to do with a football or basketball game. So when I respond to Patricia Tools I am the bad guy?? Huh? How does that work?? I didn’t wish death on Towels, I didn’t threaten him, I just simply pointed out that his #BeatLouisville campaign got him nowhere…..again. I also need @RedsFanSince61 to get the sand out of his vag and stop putting a cape on trying to save former players who played for a school that lives on Louisville hate. I wonder if he showed up in Towles mentions with the same argument. Probably not, but I digress. Then I wake up this morning with a fan upset that I pointed out the kicker at Georgia with glasses beat that team down the road on Saturday. I WEAR GLASSES. I am as blind as a bat and my prescription looks like an Algebra problem. My gosh, parents hug your kids and tell them you love them so they don’t grow up to be offended by harmless tweets. And shout out to everyone who wears glasses, I love all of you nerds because I am one. I envy those with perfect vision or those who got lasik. As you read this just know a guy with glasses is roasting opposing fan-bases and people who feel the need to d*ck ride Patrick Towles. Congrats Patty Light……you let Harambe down.
Now, on to the game. Any outburst from the court and I will have the bailiff @Mitch_Motley3 remove you.
- Apparently the Cards saw the CFB Playoff ranking show and they heard Joey Galloway spewing his negative thoughts. That was evident in the 1st Quarter after they punched Boston College in the mouth repeatedly. Oh you think we should win by more?? OK.
- Shout out to James Quick who had 2 TD’s and a beautiful diving catch on Saturday. I still think he is going to come up big in a game for us this year when we really need a TD or a 1st down. Just think Wayne Blackshear against Mich State, only we win the game. He is having a big year but it is being overshadowed by the Clemson mishap and the drops in the Virginia game.
- Shout out to the defense. I really didn’t think Fields missing would affect things that much but apparently it threw things off the past few games. But alas, he was back on the field and wreaking havoc.
- I am also a fan of Todd Grantham rotating a ton of younger players in the game on Saturday. G.G. Robinson got some run, Jonathan Greenard is also getting a lot of shine these days. Future is looking bright
- You think almost losing to Virginia was bad?? Imagine losing to a team that is coached by former WWE star Sgt. Slaughter. Chills my bones just thinking about it.
- There are few things that are certain in life. Water is wet, dogs bark, the sun rises in the East and sets in the West, milk goes great with dry cereal, KFC chicken causes mud butt, and bourbon goes well with days that end with Y. I say all of that to say that as sure as the Earth is mostly water, Patty Lite will throw an interception against Louisville. He can’t NOT throw an interception against Louisville. I think it’s in his scholarship papers . “We provide room and board. Athlete must throw INT against Louisville each time they play”. Congrats to Chucky Williams who was on his way to get some Gatorade and caught an interception by Towels. Easy work fam…..
- ESPN finally brought some attention to Jaylen Smith. Dude is making a serious case for ACC 1st Team Offense or at least 2nd team. Smith is averaging 25 yards a catch this year. 25 yards!!! I don’t even walk that far on most days. Telling you, all he does is wake up , eat, score touchdowns, and then calls your girlfriend to flirt.
- Cole Hikitini continues to impress. Bobby utilizes the TE position and those guys normally have great pro careers. Hikitini is Gary Barnidge reborn in a Louisville jersey.
- Welcome back Brandon Radcliff. He didn’t have a TD but he had some nice runs on Saturday.
- Can we just take a moment to appreciate Stacy Thomas?? Let’s not forget he had an uncomfortable surgery in August for an issue that makes every guys stomach hurt and now he is basically inflicting pain on opposing offenses. My youngest nephew thought it would be funny to punch me in the man region yesterday at a family function. I never wanted to fight a kid until that moment. That pain alone is why Thomas should be rewarded for his play.
- Joey Galloway, why are you the way you are?? I understand we are in election season and everyone is on the campaign trail but I don’t think we need to hear you give your case on why Louisville is not worthy of the playoffs. You are an Ohio State grad and I get you are lobbying for the Nuts to make the 4 team playoff. But your erection for hating on Louisville is getting uncomfortably larger. You spent the first 15-20 min or so explaining why Louisville was not worthy, perhaps you should spend the same amount of time removing some of the makeup ESPN cakes on your face before each appearance.
- Good things happen when Louisville wears the red chrome helmets. Aside from the Clemson game it appears those helmets come with 50 or more points guaranteed.
- The BHK is not a fan of some of the peo……….OH SH*T. Sorry folks was typing that and just caught a football……..Towles.
- Jaire Alexander had a very rare fumble on Saturday and then BC didn’t want him to be great so they kept kicking away from him. Some people call kicking away from Jaire smart, I call it afraid.
- Word is Lamar is already being fitted for the suit he will wear at the Heisman presentation. If he wins and doesn’t drop a “Free Kodak” in his acceptance speech then this whole season will have an asterisk beside it. I digress lol.
- Speaking of Heisman, people are really lobbying for Jabrill Peppers. I get it, he plays every position on the field and could probably direct the band too. I hate to say it but I feel like he may surprise us all and be the Charles Woodson in this situation. Everyone thought Peyton Manning had the Heisman locked up and then boom!!! Only thing Lamar can do is what he has done week in and out, leave it all on the field and make defenses look silly.
- When I think of all the people Towles let down on Saturday I chuckle. He circled the game in the summer and everything. At some point you have to stop poking the bear after the bear has repeatedly mauled you. My guess is he will try help BC win 2 of the next 3 and go to a bowl game. Then he will join a coaching staff in the state to keep throwing shots at Louisville. Towels shows up to weddings just to go from table to table to remind everyone the bride is not as attractive as people make her out to be. He tells anyone who will listen the groom is not the man for her and so on. Then he gets his ass kicked in front of everyone and after a few days he is back at it.
- ESPN has to do better when conducting job interviews. As you all heard, the commentary during the was terrible. At what point do you decide “hey let me slip in a Bardstown road reference during this segment”. We have no clue what you were getting at but cheers to the Highlands and Fern Creek residents.
- Also, ESPN has to do background checks on their camera operators. You can’t film a game after sucking down a bottle of Elijah Craig. I mean technically you can, but I don’t think the viewers would appreciate the camera being pointed at your shoes the entire game. Nonetheless whoever did the game Saturday either was eating and filming or on his Snapchat app trying to figure out how to add dog ears.
- Speaking of which, I was called an a** by a follower because I decided it was in my best interest to stop following her on Snapchat. I can only do so many duck lips and flower filters in one sitting. No harm no foul right?? Wrong. Just know that if you call me out I am legally obligated to ridicule you in BucketHatism. I continue to say it, you all continue to doubt it. So here goes, pay attention. “I DON’T GIVE A F***”. Life is already too serious and none of us are making it out alive so why not enjoy the ride. My ride does not include duck faces, get over it. Life goes on without BHK. Next time I won’t be so generous, this is your final warning. Please don’t make me commit Card on Card crime.
- The BHK does not say it often or enough for that matter but thank you all for reading these each week. I am just a guy with a nice collection of Bucket Hats and a strong WiFi signal. We are all just trying to put some thoughts into 140 characters or less. I appreciate all the retweets, likes, mentions, and shares.
- I am as giddy as a chick with a Snapchat filter about the game on Saturday night…….Saturday night………SAT-UR-DAY night. I am still in shock we all get to mingle on a Saturday night in PJCS. I feel like a woman making ducklips in all her pics while standing in the bathroom line at Drake’s.
- Depending on the CFP playoff ranking tomorrow and the games before us on Saturday afternoon the crowd should be insane. Plus new uniforms will be worn. Since the BLACKOUT game didn’t have the decent blowout we thought it would I am hoping we put 60 on Wake. They will be okay, they are on pace to be doctors and lawyers in a few years which is awesome.
- I am enrolling in TBG’s classes so I can become a better tweeter and stop lambasting people on Twitter. I’m just a humble mother*****r with a nice Bucket Hat. Okay you got me, I am not that humble. Still, roasting and destroying people on Twitter is not what I signed up for but mama didn’t raise a b*tch. Just know I have a hard time letting comments roll off my back. Taking the high road is something sane people do and I am crazy as cat sh*t……I welcome beef for some reason. Chemical imbalance I guess.
- We didn’t commit any penalties on Saturday. Aside from the turnovers it was almost a perfect game. Good discipline shown but both sides of the football. Great job coaches.
- A good 88% of CardNation pissed their pants when Lamar went out of the game. I am sorry for quoting a certain person on the radio who announced that Lamar was out for the rest of the game. It won’t happen again fam.
- Nothing is more satisfying than tweeting a pic of your framed degree when someone attempts to insult your intelligence while sitting on the side of a mountain and wearing British Knights and jorts.
- We should all throw Ziploc bags on the field when Lamar scores from here on out. The “Zip It” campaign, not to be confused with the throat slash unless you are a CBS analyst that is bored and a drama queen.
And finally this is primed to be a good week. My Raiders are 7-2 and at the top of the AFC West for the first time in years. We went through Denver’s defense quicker than Moe’s Southwest Grill goes through a digestive tract. The election is tomorrow and finally all of the negative ads will end and we can prepare for 4 years of missing emails or 4 years of bigly, orange spray tan, and “YUGE”. The weather for the game on Saturday is going to perfect football weather (as of today, check back in 5 minutes). We have the #1 player in the nation wearing a Louisville jersey. I have a ton of liquor left over from my engagement dinner. Basketball season starts on Friday, and there is an exhibition tonight. And Qdoba still has great queso while Moe’s has trash on a plate. It’s true, the best things in life are free. It is truly a great day to be a Cardinal fan, who can ask for anything mo……..OH SH****T. Just caught another football………………..Towels
Court adjourned (Bangs gavel)