“ALL RISE!!! Court is now in session. The honorable Bucket Hat King LJ tha Fiasco presiding. Please be seated and come to order”
FOLKS!!! I have been approached by a few people needing an explanation for my recent hiatus from Twitter. Basically I spend a lot of time on the damn thing and I have to go into detox once a year only to relapse again. But look at the bright side, each time this happens a bunch of crazy stuff happens and I am left without a place to vent or celebrate. So I usually end up telling my fiance or anyone who will listen that we got a new recruit, B-Dubs has a secret code for free wings, and blue cheese is straight ass-water.
Though it has been tough, just know it is not forever. I shall return to annoy you with my fat-finger tweets and belittle people who eat Boneless Wings and host a morning show on a radio station. Nonetheless, I decided to write my thoughts about the upcoming football season in which the schedule was released about 20 minutes ago.
I will be reading my notes that I have been taking since I have nowhere to write them. Any outbursts from court and you will be removed by @JasonRileyWDRB since he risks his career to follow my tweets, that is a guy I want with me when the zombie apocalypse hits. But I digress……
- Purdue on Sept. 2nd in Indianapolis. – Should be a ton of red in Lucas Oil for this one. Louisville fans don’t mind making the trip up I-65 to invade Indy. I expect Purdue to be great on offense but I am not sure Jeff Brohm has a lot to work with just yet. He will have a nice QB in David Blough returning so who knows. Either way it should be fun. Please drink accordingly, we are already paying a toll to enter the state , don’t need to add to it by getting a DUI in Indiana.
- Sept. 9th at North Carolina – I honestly am not sure what to expect in this one. Mitch Trubisky went pro early and I have not seen a lot of the Tarheels to know what to watch for. I will say that Larry Fedora’s teams always drop an early one so hopefully this is it. His offense is a beast usually so I doubt this will be a pushover.
- Sept. 16th CLEMSON – What started as a friendly rivalry has now blossomed into non-stop blasphemy of said team from the South. It started with a choke, then next came the uncalled holding penalties and pass interference. Then ultimately the obsession with Louisville weeks after. Followed by the Heisman win by Lamar Jackson. Clemson fans are cool……until they lose something. They lost a lot on offense. Deshaun Watson, Artavis Scott, Mike Williams, and Wayne Gallman got their rings and headed for the NFL draft. Ben Boulware and Christian Wilkins fondled and choked some players before they graduated. Should be a fun time in PJCS. It took all of 3 years to solidify a rival in our new conference. Please, oh please, let this be a night game with GameDay here that morning. Look Clemson…..I’m not talking bout moving in……and I don’t want to change your life. But there’s a warm wind blowin’ the stars around…… and I’d really love to beat ya tonight.
- Sept. 23rd KENT STATE – Game is over early and we see a lot of Jawon Pass and other redshirts. Louisville fans leave at halftime to continue drinking and playing cornhole. News of Todd Grantham getting a bigger jacket floods the stadium and Bobby ends up asking DJ K-Dogg to play all trap music in the 4th quarter. Nothing to see here
- Sept. 30th MURRAY STATE – Bobby spends the game teaching Chris Klenakis how to take a selfie with his mouth closed. We see lots of Dez Fitzpatrick and Dae Williams. I drink….a lot. Mark Ennis has an on-air breakdown and admits he should have just went to culinary school like he promised himself in the 10th grade. He then challenges all of Bettie Johnson residents to a dance off but splits his pants and tears his MCL…….this is all at halftime by the way.
- Oct. 5th @ NC State – Ah the trip to Raleigh where NC State hopes they can finally solve the Lamar riddle and Dave Doerson is once again on the hot seat early. Game is on a weeknight, interesting.
- Oct. 14th BOSTON COLLEGE – Led by Sgt. Slaughter and still searching for an offense. Not sure what to expect, Game has been a blowout 2 of the past 3 years. Patrick Towles shows up in his old high school jersey and challenges a beer vendor to a fight. He gets his fade ran and loses all bodily functions.
- Oct. 21st @ Florida State – 63-20……….that is all you need to know. Expect a crazy atmosphere and expect Jimbo to drop all kinds of dagnabbit’s.
- Oct. 28th @ Wake Forest – Wakeyleaks………that is all you need to know. Other than that their mascot stares a hole into your soul and ESPN runs the leaked documents story into the ground.
- Nov. 4th BYE – after 9 weeks the boys finally get a break. I spend this weekend cleaning up the house and doing yard work. Translation: Catching up on Netflix original programming.
- Nov. 11th VIRGINIA – Oh man, watch out JCPenney’s, the polo and khaki short’s crew comes to town. Hide the boat shoes and chess boards!!! Virginia fans invade the stadium and discuss politics during the game. Most leave early to play a round of golf at Valhalla.
- Nov. 18th SYRACUSE – Senior day and most likely Lamar’s last game in PJCS. Why not beat the juice out of the Orange for old times sake??? The guy who Lamar leaped is motivated but instead he gets ran over by Jeremy Smith. Lamar chuckles.
- Nov. 25th Slapd*cks – 41-38, blown chance at the Orange Bowl, stupid Heisman jokes, and Matt Bevin celebrating with the Governor’s Cup. Yeah, it’s f*cking on.
In closing I would like to say thanks to all of you who rock with me and my CSZ crew. The podcast has launched so make sure you go check that out on SoundClound by searching “The Nest”. I hope to return soon and do rando things with my rando crew all while trying to keep my life events within 140 characters. Also, I have been reading some of your tweets here and there. The Nelly vs. Drake argument was interesting, your food taeks are still trash Mandy, Tammy200 is now Tammy2K so show her some damn respect, I finally met TBG and we have a fire podcast episode together but they won’t release it and let us be great, someone’s Twitter fingers are about to get them in trouble, the dab has refused to die, and I still hate saucy meaty nuggets. See ya soon my fellow Villains.
Court adjourned (bangs gavel)