The Barbour Shop: 10 Things I Hate About You: Alabama

Photo Courtesy of ESPN PUBLIC RELATIONS and the Courier Journal

I have done this before and thought I’d resurrect it. Without further ado…10 Things I Hate About You Alabama.

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10) I hate driving through your long a** state just to get to Panama City. That’s torture under the Geneva Convention. Look it up.

Big Al
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9) I hate that your nickname is Crimson Tide yet you have an elephant for a mascot. Yeah our cardinal may have teeth, but come on. An elephant equates to a Crimson Tide how? Plus you named it Big Al. How original. It sounds like some old, crusty dude in a minimum wage job who rants to anyone who will listen about his high school stardom and how, if he would’ve stayed away from partying, he’d be a Crimson Tide legend. In essence, Big Al the elephant is a blatant rip off of Al Bundy.

Jalen Hurts
Photo Courtesy of Tom Pennington/Getty Images

8) I hate your uniforms. BORING! Come on, add some stripes to your jerseys or hey, use that stupid elephant on your helmet instead of numbers. Join the 21st Century.

Mike Shula
Photo Courtesy of Jamie Squire/Getty Images

7) I hate that Mike Shula couldn’t last at least another year or two to keep Saban away. Come on Mike. Why couldn’t you have a 9 and a 10 win season so you weren’t fired? Are we sure you’re related to legendary coach Don Shula? Thanks to you, all of college football has to deal with an evil sith lord. You’re Chancellor Valorum dude; Unremarkable and forgotten.

Photo Courtesy of The Birmingham News/Mark Almond

6) I hate Alabama played for a title against a team that already beaten them in Bryant-Denny. Sorry, that was ridiculous. You had your chance, blew it, and then sweet talked your way into another one. Anyone else loses that game to LSU (and along with it
the division title), they’re an afterthought. Not you, though. Did you have incriminating info on BCS Committee members or something?

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5) I hate your stupid Roll Tide chant. I hate it because it’s actually cool and my school can only muster up Go Cards. However, Ls Up is catching on and I like it. By the way, we have a simple, cool hand gesture and you don’t. Eat your heart out.

Photo Courtesy of Larry Brown/

4) I hate their sports radio/tv callers. It’s obviously a small section of their fans, but my are they vociferous.
My goodness they make the worst of ours seem tame. These people sound like they’re calling from the local asylum. Football is a game they treat like a religion and they bow and pray to their holy father Saban.

Photo Courtesy of CBS News/WRBL

3) I hate that your super fan Harvey Updyke is a tree killer. You killed trees over a football game. The trees didn’t do anything to you Updyke other than allow you to breathe oxygen. You see trees use CO2 to photosynthesize and release the O2 you breathe idiot. I don’t know why I just explained that as Updyke probably failed 6th grade science class; maybe not, but probably. It’s an educated guess on my part.

Photo Courtesy of ULM Athletics

2) I hate that everyone on earth seems to think opposing teams and fans should bow in deference to Alabama. Not necessarily. You lost to decent Ole Miss teams with a meh coach, Johnny Manziel, an unranked Auburn team, and who can forget the ULM loss. Saban is unbelievable, but not infallible. Believe it or not, Bama does lose games from time to time.

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1) I hate Nick Saban. He’s a joyless automaton. A Skynet Terminator out here killing coaches careers (see: Les Miles) and the hope of college football fans and teams before the season even starts. When he smiles, it’s as if his programming cannot quite grasp what smiling means; I mean look at that picture above for goodness sake! He has no joy, but he sure has plenty of anger and hate. Actually, he is more reminiscent of Sith Lord Darth Sidious aka Emperor Palpatine;

Photo Courtesy of EA Games

no fun, needs all the power and control. and only laughs at the suffering of others. Plus, they both look eerily similar. I hate he has made college football utterly joyless in many ways for so many.

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