“I’m having suicidal thoughts.” To many, that is one of the hardest things to hear, whether it is from a co-worker, a friend, a partner, or even just a random person you are there for. It’s a phrase that I’m just now getting used to, but also a phrase that rings true in my own head. Very few people know, because I’m still trying to process it all, but Thursday night, I was having very bad thoughts, and yes some of them were suicidal in nature. Back when I was in high school, some things happened and I had some very unwell thoughts, and they too were suicidal in nature, but it was a one-time ordeal, and I only ever told maybe 3 or 4 people at max. But in recent months, I had begun to feel this, and I don’t even know if this is the right way to explain it, nagging voice in the back of my head reminding of the worst outcome of whatever situation I was in. But still yet, my life was continually blessed, especially in recent months, so I thought nothing of it. I was promoted at work after 3 long years there, I reaffirmed my love for God and rededicated myself to Him, and I even found the love of my life. Yet, as happy as I was, this nagging voice was still ever present in the back of my mind. That brings me to this past Thursday, when those thoughts that I thought were nothing, turned out to be something much worse. I begun feeling this awful feeling of nothingness. I begun thinking, “I have no reason to be here. I don’t deserve this life I’ve been blessed with. No one one would miss me if I leave this world.” As I begun to think more and more, the worse the thoughts were getting. I was really starting to believe that little voice, that I don’t deserve anything and that I should just vanish. Luckily, and I can’t thank them enough, I had my wonderful girlfriend and a great friend here for me. They convinced me to call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline, and it made me realize several things. Firstly, these thoughts that I had, instead of talking about them like I should have, I was letting them fester, only allowing for them to get worse and worse. Secondly, as I’m sure many of you may have noticed, I haven’t put any content out in quite a while. What I had been thinking was just an abnormal case of writer’s block, was actually these feelings that I was letting consume me. And finally, I realize that I’m not okay. And the thing is, its OKAY to be not okay. I’m also going to be more open to talking to people. That was one of my biggest mistakes, my fear of letting people know I wasn’t okay. But, I’m here to tell you all today that I am healing. I’m working on finding healthy ways to get the really negative thoughts, that little voice, out of my head. It may not be right away, but soon I’m looking forward to bringing you guys brand new articles and content here. To my girlfriend and love of my life, I am so sorry for worrying you. To all my friends and family, I’m sorry it took me this long to tell you. But with each day, is a brand new beginning. It might not be today, It might not be tomorrow, but I will overcome these thoughts, and I’ll strive to be the best person I can be, and to glorify God through it all. My name is Jacob Pratt, and yes I’ve had suicidal thoughts, but I am stronger than it, and I will be okay. Thank you all for reading, and as always, Go Cards!
*And a little side note, to anyone who reads this, if you are having any of these types of thoughts, trust me on this, talk to someone. And whether you know me or not, I’m here for you as well. And the Hotline is always there too, 1-800-273-8255